Monday 18 August 2014

Remember There's Two Of You, Not One

Getting through the day to day life of being without your other half is one thing, but what about when there are huge obstacles facing you? Anything can happen. One can lose their job, finances can become tighter, your feelings towards each other might lessen to the point you’re reluctant to communicate daily and you might start even realising how shitty the distance truly is – not just because of the lack of physical contact.

Sometimes the distance can get in between two people in more ways than just mileage. And this is quite common. Sure, being in a relationship with someone you love is the most beautiful thing that has happened to you and believe me, it is. But, what about the times you've felt so low that you've both hit rock bottom and you can’t cope any more? What do you do then? The most common answer is obviously – you’d fight for each other right? But sometimes the line between fighting for each other and fighting with each other becomes fuzzy to the point you can’t even remember the last time you had a serious discussion without a fight.  My sister told me something that really stuck with me when Davy and I were going through a stressful patch during the last few weeks. Love isn't supposed to be easy. It’s meant to challenge you, provoke you, make you think about things differently -not just in your own point of view but theirs too-, and it’s meant to make you a better person when you overcome those challenges as a couple.

I’ve noticed in the last few weeks that sometimes I've been guilty of not looking at it in Davy’s perspective. I’ve been a little selfish in fact, this is my own evaluation and has nothing to do with anything that’s been said by anyone. I didn’t realise how much stress Davy had been under financially, and how badly he was coping until things blew up last week. For the first time ever, I felt I had been taking this wonderful man truly for granted. Through the last two years and ten months, he has been the one who has been the rock in this relationship. He’s dealt with all my trust issues, my anxieties, the moments where I’m thinking so unclear that it’s even impossible to understand what is going through my brain – and yet all this time he has been finding it hard to cope himself and without me even knowing it. I felt horrible for almost seemingly pushing him out of the picture. How could I be so selfish and careless to have let him deal with all of that alone?

I had to snap myself out of the ‘I really miss you, I wish we were together, when are you coming over again?’ thing I was constantly doing as subconsciously it was piling on the pressure for him to be able to afford to visit me. I know people always ask why haven’t I gone over to Holland yet if he’s been doing all the visiting? Short story for those who don’t know: my family’s finances are even worse in terms of affording to go over there, and I have issues with being around strangers and expecting them to cope with the problems I get with my stomach occasionally – and I’d find it unfair to dump that on a family – and I do feel bad/guilty/a disappointment that I haven’t. Nonetheless, I’ve been piling on the pressure without even realising it and it’s been even more so unfair on Davy than anything. He’s been working his arse off week in, week out trying to save up for our future, to close the distance sometime in the next year, all whilst still trying to pay his bills and to keep me as well as himself happy. How can anyone be expected to cope with that amount of pressure all by themselves? They can’t. And it’s even crueller to expect them to continue doing so.

I’ll admit there have been some petty arguments in the last few weeks to months. Arguments that probably shouldn’t have even existed because they had nothing to even do with the underlying issues we have had to go through. But since we had this big thing thrown into our faces we’ve come out the other side even stronger and even more determined to kick the distance in the face. I’ve realised that Davy has needed more emotional support than I probably have been giving him in the last few years, that the distance shouldn’t dictate our emotions like it so easily can. We have been long distance for our whole relationship, and we’re still here in one piece – and we will continue to be even long after the distance is closed. I’m learning to understand Davy better, to know when to drop things that have no importance or that shouldn’t have any importance. I’m also getting better at learning when to push him for an answer and when not to. To always make sure he is doing okay, to put even more of an effort in to make sure he has something to smile about – and most importantly: to make sure he knows he isn’t alone in dealing with the pressures that being in an LDR brings and that I understand how he feels – that he can count on me as much as I count on him. He’s been doing all of this for years, and I just haven’t realised until lately that I’ve been slacking. I’m going to do better. A whole lot better because I love him more than anything and I'm willing to do anything for him, as well as for us. Positive thinking is going to start outweighing the negativity and things are going to be equal again.  

The distance can really manipulate your thoughts; it’ll make you doubt yourself, doubt each other’s feelings and efforts, it will make you want to break down and cry multiple times a day, week and per month. Your mental and physical strength will be constantly tested to see if you can do it, to see if you have what it takes to defeat it. But remember, you’re going through this whole experience with another being. What you’re going through is what they are going through. Don’t be afraid to feel sad, to go along with your emotions, to open up, to laugh, to cry with each other. Be yourself, but most importantly don’t forget to be there for each other and not against each other.  There will be times when you’ll bicker over stupid things and there’ll be times you will be so terrified about the obstacles you’ll face but you can get through them. Both of you, because what you have is special and will be worth fighting for.  

 Images used are found from WeHeartIt. They belong to their respective owners. 

Share on Tumblr


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I appreciate knowing that I'm not the only person who has felt this way before. It's so easy to get wrapped around the "I miss you" and "when are you coming over again" talks, that I'll forget to sit and ask Chris about how he's feeling in his day to day life. There is a difference between asking how work has been and asking how he's been feeling about it. This is still something I struggle with, because I work too. I often I get stuck on how my day is or how I'm feeling.

    We just have to remind ourselves that we were never intentionally avoiding their feelings. In our long distance relationships, we have to rely on open communication. Sometimes this forces us to just say "I'm not feeling great, can we talk about it?" which means we can't expect our partners to read our body language like in a game of charades. But once we learn to communicate to each other, everything else will come so much more easily.

    If relationships were simple, everyone would be in one. It takes time spent together, to learn how to bond as a pair, and to understand each other like nobody else can. What you and Davy have is strong, and you both are very determined people. The most important aspect to having a misunderstanding or an argument is that you learn from it, and build upon it positively for your future. I'm glad you two have each other.

  3. It can be quite difficult at times to stop and think for a second to realise that 'hang on, have I actually considered their feelings and thoughts lately? I just feel like it's been all about me, me , me.' and it's one of those things that is really difficult to actually realise you're doing it until you're suddenly bickering over the smallest thing with each other, or to even realise that you forgot to check in on them and to understand things from their perspective.

    And that is true! Relationships aren't meant to be like a stroll in the park. They're meant to be like climbing a mountain so you can feel the overwhelming joy of having made it to the top. I'm glad you and Chris have each other too! It's quite amusing to see how alike our relationships actually are, even from different backgrounds, and different perspectives :)

    - Jane xx

  4. I completely agree. Love isn't easy. The distance is a pain. I am away from my love for so long and it's hard to keep the connection when you don't actually have them there to hug you. I learnt that writing letters to one another once a week really helped my relationship because i get to write how i feel and ask him that as well. I love you blog and I would love if you check out mine<3 we write about similar things and maybe you might like mine also :)<3

    1. Aw thank you for the sweet comment! I completely agree with you, sometimes it does get really tough but what counts is that you both go through it together and it makes you stronger as a couple. Shall check out yours now! :)

      Jane x

  5. My partner and I have been apart for about 2 years now and we've been together for 3 years before he decided to work abroad. It really hurts me alot knowing that he can't be there for me whenever I feel sad and comfort me the way he used to do. With this distance, I got selfish, thinking of my own feelings and keep on asking him what will I do now? How can I accept it and live everyday not being with him. But knowing that he also feel the way that I feel, he is having more difficulties in dealing with this situation because he is not just away from me but also from his family. And when he told me that, I finally realise and understand him and our situation. We have to fight for each other and we should always be with each other even if we can't be together for now. Thank you so much for your wonderful words, it really helps me and my partner a lot.


Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions! We'd love to hear from you, and we promise we won't bite. All we require is your fingers to tippy-tap on that keyboard of yours and ta-da! Feel free to also post your blog link at the end of your comment, we'd love to check other people's blogs out too!